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It was 9,30pm on Friday night when plans changed and the in-laws decided to dine out. Early for a Spanish family.

When asked where he wanted to go, the brother-in-law replied firmly “anywhere with good meat”. Given these instructions, I could hardly fail to recommend the Cortijo Albari in Vera.

Given the time, I thought it prudent to call ahead and warn Carlos of our imminent arrival.

“We’re full” was the abrupt reply to my call. “Not a chair free in the place”.

“Come on” I wheedled, “it’s David Jackson here, and it’s a special occasion”.

The waiter I was talking to didn’t have a clue who I was, but the special occasion bit convinced them. No, I jest. We go there a lot.

“It’ll have to be indoors” he warned me.

When we piled up and parked, we realised the anonymous voice on the phone wasn’t joking. The place was packed, inside and out.

Frankly, eating indoors at the Cortijo Albari is not a hardship, as long as you avoid the room where they cook the meat (except in the winter, best seat in the place, close by to the roaring fire). Large, climate controlled and interesting things on the wall to look at. We piled in.

Now, I think that the service that night was an example of how to run a service that is overbooked with insufficient staff. Yes, the service was slow, but we warned in advance about the delay, nibbles were provided, and care was taken to bring out everything at once, instead of higgly piggly. Unlike the usual technique most place employ, which is forgetting which table is on which course and sending out plates bit by bit. With good conversation, and even better wine, who cares about a measly delay in getting the food out?

The Albari terrace, although pleasant and surrounded by pine trees, does have one drawback – mosquitoes. However, they don’t seem too bad this year. We were indoors, so we weren’t worried, but we’ve had a couple of experiences there when we thought we were in the middle of WWII dogfight.

Carlos and Carmen concentrate their efforts on one particular subsection of cuisine : meat. It’s not Argentine, it’s Spanish but it’s the best you can get and it’s better than almost any Argentine freeze packed stuff. The chuleton de buey, which is basically a Spanish Chateaubriand, is, despite being buey, melt in the mouth. Carefully carved and served at the table by Carlos himself, this is not a meal – it’s an experience.

Around the meat, you have a selection of typically northern Spanish starters, and a delicious foie which comes gratinated and on biscuits, to be piled high and then devoured. This particular duck did not, shall we say, die in vain. Salads, anchovies, meats and other dishes adorn the starters menu. The best plan is to order several dishes to share, then a main course.

Carlos is a pretty decent sommelier, and has a damn good wine cellar there.

Half way through the meal, just before the buey was carved, Carlos suggested that we move outside as a table had just become free, in order to enjoy the show.

“The what?” I asked, baffled. But it turned out he had a magician on.

The magician, by the way, wasn’t the reason the place was busy. This was a mere incident happening in the background. But we went outside anyway.

The magician was rather rubbish, but it was more of a comedy act than a magic show, and we enjoyed ourselves immensely. In fact, it was close to 3am before the show ended and we left.

Carlos later explained to me that he’s putting on a different show every Friday throughout the summer. Next Friday is a flamenco act.

So, to summary. The best meat restaurant in Almería, by a long shot. Down a long windy road between Vera and Garrucha. Fairly expensive, budget (with wine) 50€ p,p, plus a taxi if you’re going far as the cops sit at either end of that road waiting for you. Worth every penny. Leave vegetarians at home with a carrot, they wouldn’t like it.

Cortijo Albari
Vera – Garrucha old road. 950391706 / 687953646
Map on google maps

This is a Readers Review submitted by Britt Arenander on the Mojo Picón Italian restaurant on Mojácar Playa.

I have discovered a little pearl of an Italian restaurant on Mojácar playa, unpretentious and cosy, situated on the Casa Egea stretch, more or less opposite Tito´s.

It´s still called Mojo Picón, as when the chicken with mojo picón was the main attraction.

Now it´s run by a friendly young Italian couple who serve really good homemade Italian food – I´m stuck on the ravioli filled with pumpkin, accompanied by bolognese sauce or a fresh tomato sauce, but there are many other pasta dishes to choose from. Last time my friend had pasta with homemade pesto, great!

There is also a selection of meat and fish dishes. If you ask for it a small salad comes with whatever food you choose, which saves you from ordering one of those huge salads that usually cost around 6 euros and that you can´t possibly finish.

I haven´t tried the pizzas yet, but I´ve seen they are big, and look highly appetizing.

If you don´t have a pudding a small bowl of fresh fruit is served after the meal, and the very reasonable bill comes with a chupito of a delicious liquor.

And oh, the white house wine is a lovely macabeo.

Mojo Picón restaurant on Mojacar Playa.
Tlf: 950472995
Map of Mojo Picón restaurant

This is a Readers Review submitted by Britt Arenander on the Mojo Picón Italian restaurant on Mojácar Playa. To submit your own review, please use the Add your own review option above.

Alas, the perils of living in a culinary wasteland.

Food options in Mojacar are, sadly, limited. Even while living in Brittas Bay (Co Wicklow) I had the option of Dublin just up the road.

And no visit to the family’s UK base of operations is complete without a trip to the Thai Emerald, Cirencester (one of the best in the UK, to my mind).

But recently, my taste buds have been neglected. Spanish or Italian seems to be the order of the day. Yes, our local Sushi restaurant in still open, but raw tuna on rice just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I have to go to Asahi in Almería to get anything more exotic. Or, if they deign to open their doors, the Youet (Almería’s best kept Chinese secret).

So just for a laugh, we tripped into the Cowboy Cocina. A delight to all the senses, including, and this is rare, visual.

If you’ve never been to the Cowboy, you should, just for the amazingly well thought out decorations. Imagine, if you will, a typical “Yankee” themed restaurant. Let’s take, for the sake of argument, TGIF Fridays.

They have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of crap on the walls, right? Number-plates and old cars and fishing rods and radios and general ‘hey ho, it’s 1960′s America, aren’t we God’s chosen people’ sort of stuff.

Well, Cowboy Cocina is like that, but tastefully done (inasmuch as such a theme can be “tasteful”). Object acquired and carefully positioned. Nice posters and photos, many to do with the Spaghetti Westerns they filmed in the area. Not too sure about the dead buffalo on the wall.

If you want to, you can sit outside on the roomy patio and watch the traffic go past, whilst also admiring the old wagon wheels.

I mean, just look at these bar stools (click for a bigger pic):

I’m easily pleased. The second I saw those chairs I knew I’d like the place.

Kenny, who owns the joint with his wife Catherine, is a wild west enthusiast. He loves the wild west, and wishes he’d been born a real ole cowboy. (He’s from the midlands, I believe).

He makes a wild homemade BBQ sauce, and Ric P., a man who knows all about America, assures me he once entered a BBQ sauce competition at Elvis’s Graceland mansion and came second. Good enough for me.

The food is southern style BBQ, properly done (ie, fresh and made with loving care), in some sort of smoke pit. I didn’t understand the technicalities.

The burgers are enourmous and tasty, as are the steaks (no freezers here!). The ribs are to die for.

Let’s be honest. You don’t usually go to a place like this for the food, as it’s always burgers, steaks and ribs covered in sauce. You go for the ambiance. And this place has that in shovelfuls.

Kenny is knowegable about the wild west, and an authority on the spaghetti western film industry that used to exist in Almería. If you have a question about the films, go and speak to him. He’s also pretty good at whipping up a party.

And surprisingly enough, I’d probably go back for the food.Where else can you eat so much for so little and enjoy it so much?

Cowboy Cocina,
Urb Los Angeles, Mojacar Playa
950 472 924

http://www.cowboycocina.com

Half way along Mojacar Playa, on the beachfront just before you go up to La Parata.

Mojacar’s beach bars are an institution with which I have a love hate relationship.

On the one hand, I love visiting them, eating there, having a few drinks, maybe bopping to the live music and in general having a great afternoon.

On the other, it’s a long way to get there (from Turre) when the traffic is heavy, there is always a large police presence making their greasy little fingers felt on your wallet (via the state mechanism of fines, I should add) and there is always the fear that your car will be broken into whilst you are off enjoying a brief few minutes of bliss away from work. The cops being too busy fining tourists to actually bother catching the crooks with crowbars.

Last year, the family made Neptuno’s beach bar a habitual stop. Easy to get to (turn left at the Parque Comercial, second place on the beach), with many easy access routes over the fields back to Turre and Los Gallardos, with excellent food, few riff raff and attentive service, it ticked all the boxes.

And to top it all off, the large, clean and safe beach in front of the restaurant allowed my many nieces and nephews free reign to indulge themselves making sandcastles on the high tide mark whilst indulgent parents beamed with approval from the terrace.

Assuming we spent an average of between 100€ and 200€ a visit…. let’s say we dropped a couple of grand there last year. Infrequent visits, but every one was pleasant.

So, when the clouds over Mojacar finally lifted, we restarted out visits to the beach there. I’ve been there twice this year. The clouds may have lifted from Mojacar, but not from my heart after going there.

Neptuno is a main building, enclosed with large plate glass windows, which allows for easy indoor eating when the wind is strong. On the beach.

Should the breeze be lighter, you can sit outside on the many enjoyable shady tables. Larger parties out front, smaller tables on the boardwalk around the main building. Comfy chairs, large tables, and lots of sparrows to feed while waiting for the food. Or you can watch the elderly chef cook sardines on the sand filled boat, and feel your mouth water with anticipation at the sight. It should be paradaise.

Of course, it isn’t.

The last time we went there, with a cousin from the UK, we found ourselves relegated to the beach front patio, in full blast of the wind. We complained, but were told that there were no tables in the lull of the wind. The waitress was right. Not because they were full – because they hadn’t bothered to set them up. So I had to sit there, and fill my teeth with sand from the wind every time I smiled.

The sardines were cooked on the plancha that time (no fire, we were told). The salad was indifferent. The paella was full of tomato, tasted frozen and was unappetising.

We left, feeling sad, but determined to give it another go, on the understanding that they had just opened and weren’t up to speed for the summer season.

Anyway, ’twas Maters birthday. I have made jokes about this in the past, and been threatened. I pass over the jokes. The family was there, along with two little ones. We were sited in a nice table. It was cloudy, but not cold, and not windy. The sea was calm. The fire in the boat was roaring.

For starters, we ordered a salad, chipirones and two plates of fire cooked sardines.

Now, the Neptuno, in case you didn’t know, has an old fishing boat outside where they cook the fish. It’s full of sand, and fish are speared on spikes before being roasted over the flames.

The sardines were delicious. Perfectly cooked. Five to a plate, as always, and fresh, with rock salt. The salad was also wonderful. The chipirones were frozen and deep fried. Heh ho.

For main course, we had ordered a number of fish (I forget which types), a steak and two BBQ grilled chicken breasts.

The fish turned up in a timely fashion. We watched them being cooked on the open fire. One of them was badly undercooked and was sent back. It was returned, and was reported as being lovely.

Meanwhile, the meat eaters wondered where our food was.

When the fish eaters had half finished their dishes, we asked where the meat was. The waiter looked surprised, and fled to the kitchen. We later realised, from the length of time it took for the meat to arrive, that someone had forgotten to put the order in, and they started cooking it the moment we complained.

The fish were eventually finished. The fish eaters took it slowly, but still finished before our meat turned up. This gives you an idea of how long it took.

The meat turned up. I dug my fork into the meaty chicken thigh, and a spurt of blood hit my sun glasses. The chicken was returned to the kitchen for a “repaso”.

Meanwhile, to hide my fury at the chicken episode, I took the two young ones to the sea. We had a paddle with grandma (she had finished her fish ages ago and was now on the coffee). A lovely time was had by all until grandma discovered quite a lot of broken glass scattered amongst the beach chairs. Bottles and glasses, we agreed. The children were scooped up and returned to the boardwalk.

Now, who leaves broken glass on a beach, when you’re selling deck chairs there? Words fail me. We scooped up some of the glass and gave it to a waiter with a stern word, but I doubt anything was done.

Eventually, the chicken was returned. It had been ripped apart by the chef, burnt on the outside and flipped several times in the flames. The chips and the vegetables were the same as before, only now cold and greasy. The chicken was not much edible.

Nothing wrong with the meat, I hasten to add. It was a fine chicken thigh, firm and meaty. But it was far too large to be cooked on a BBQ. It should have been done in an oven before being finished off over the flame. And by the time the amateur in the kitchen had finished with it, it was basically chicken strips burnt over a flame.

To cut a long story short (I could go on) this used to be a fine restaurant, in  a wonderful location. But the maitré d has gone.

He now runs Finca La Parata, and I have yet to go (I will).

But I blame the collapse of this once fine restaurant on him.

Take away the firm hand and watchful eye, and you get what I’ve had this month – an amateurish, sloppish mess of a restaurant, where the waiters don’t talk to the kitchen, the kitchen doesn’t know what’s happening with the open fire and the staff couldn’t care less.

Previous review of Neptuno beach bar, Mojacar here.

Neptuno Beach Bar.
Playa del Descargador s/n, Mojacar Playa.
Mojácar Playa. Turn left at the Parque Commercial towards Garrucha, about 600m along on the beachside. You can’t miss it.
616005387

Ottocento is a restaurant that I’ve never been to. It used to be called “Arcano” until it changed its’ name earlier this year. It can be found next to Asuntxu tapa beer pull restaurant on the Playa.
Here’s a photo:

Hudson Stubbs tells me that:
“We went there for a meal tonight and I cannot praise it too highly. Nice restrained modern decor – excellent service and very reasonable prices.

We both had starters – me aubergines and my partner goat’s cheese — beautifully cooked and really tasty.

I then had lamb off the bone with broccoli/parmgiano and crushed potatoes. The whole thing was heaven on a plate.

Partner had pork in mustard sauce also very good. With wine, though no dessert, the bill came to €46 – pretty much the norm for the area but if we’d had pizzas could have been a lot less.

Lots of Spanish and some English customers but overall a most pleasant experience and our best since L’Incanto a few weeks ago.”

Cheers, Hudson. We shall pop in at some point and see if your review was accurate!

To submit your own review, use the “Add your own review!” link in the top menu.

Ottocento Italian Restaurant,
Mojacar Playa

Many, many, many years ago, Finca La Parata was the benchmark for expat food in the area.

John in the kitchen serving up exquisite delights, Anne out front with the family making you feel at home.

This all changed when they left for pastures new. Then they came back, and I wrote about their triumphal return here.

And then they left again. To open up the old Agora, next to Lua on the beachfront, as a swish modern restaurant called Restaurante La Fantasia. Together, once again, with Edd and Claire.

To those of you who reminded me I have not written about it before, despite having been spotted there on half a dozen occasions, I must apologise (especially to Hudson, who asked me months ago for a critique). Pressures of work, etc etc etc.

La Fantasia is a rather strange building. When you first arrive, you walk through the main door, only to be presented, not with a lovely dining area, but with some rather steep stairs.

Negotiating these stairs with care (every time I go, it seems to be raining) you come to the main restaurant downstairs.

The main room downstairs has a large seating area, with a big bar. Then there is a long conservatory outside, which leads onto the paseo maritimo, large outdoor terraces on either side and another dining room (not normally used except for functions) to the side. Should be great in summer when those terraces are in use.

The ambiance is… fresh. Nice and airy. Views into a gleaming kitchen, large spacious bar and tables with a bit of elbow room.

The menu is much the same as before, including John’s famous chicken kievs, of which I have fond memories from my youth (before Kings Food swamped the area with frozen imported ones).

The cuisine is very English. Imagine decent, slightly upmarket pub grub from the 90′s. Huge prawn cocktails,  Duck á la orange, chicken kiev, usually a curry dish, beef stroganoff, etc. I keep thinking I’ll glance out the window and spot an angler by the Severn.

Spanish – I have taken some there – are usually intrigued, despite the fact that the menu is translated into Spanish. The translations aren’t always 100%, in my opinion – they translate the food but the concept is lost. For example, a pie is translated as beef stew with pastry. Technically accurate…. just not quite what it is. I nitpick. I’ll be quiet now.

It is not, if I am honest, an exciting menu. It is a reliable menu. A menu that, even when it changes, remains much the same.

This is not a bad thing, as evidenced by the fact its currently one of the busiest places around. The clientele are happy, and the management has cleverly catered for their every whim.

Good solid British pub grub on hot plates.

Prices are decent. During the day we have the “menu del dia”, which is a seperate menu for 10€, and in the evenings we have the “menu luz de luna”, for 12€. Both have excellent choices. Or order off the á la carte.

They have something for everyone. Fish, meat, vegetarian and pasta / pizza. Not a huge menu that they can’t cope with, but a good solid range of food meaning there is always something for each member of the party.

Unless you’re those fruterians I once met in Malaga, who only ate windfall and lived in a Buddist temple. But I doubt they eat out much in Mojácar.

The single biggest quibble I have with the place is that they insist upon drawing their logo (a heart with stars in it) on all the puddings, usually in strawberry syrup. Frankly, it annoys me. Why, I do not know, as I do not usually eat puddings, but if someone else at the table has one I find myself using my finger to wipe up the syrup and write something with it. This, as you can imagine, makes me even more unpopular than I am now.

So yes. Go there. Reserve first, it’s often packed and I’ve had to wait for a table there. Staff are attentive and kind.

Restaurante La Fantasia
Paseo del Mediterraneo 6, next to Lua, in front of La Gaviota complex.
Mojácar Playa.
Tlf 950 475 127
Website (with menus): http://www.restaurantefantasia.com/

(Photos pinched off their website)

Today I went to a German restaurant.

A German restaurant? Called “El rincón de Lola?” Has the sun finally addled the lad? I hear you ask.

Well, actually, it was 7ºC and raining (almost sleeting), so no, the sun has not addled the lad. Nor has the wine, since the police crackdown.

Ric P. bullied me into lunch (unfair, really, to insinuate that, as he paid) and we met in Turre. Turre had a two hour power cut, so we said the proverbial “bugger this for a game of boules” and went to Mojácar.

Ric, being a man who knows his food, suggested Lola’s.

If you follow Ric P. in a car down Mojácar Playa for several minutes, you eventually come to a square known as “the square in front of Harmony Gym”. (For both Ric P. and myself, Harmony Gym, and its ilk, is but a simple landmark pointing towards more interesting places). Just in front of Mojacar windows and doors.  Next to the catalogue shop. Got it? Check the map link at the bottom of the posting.

In the aforementioned square is a fountain, no idea if it works, a hire shop which is hiring everything including the office it’s in (se alquila, muy barato) and a few bars. One of these, the big one at the top of the square, is, it seems, where the local Germans hang out. No, I didn’t know we had any, either. Seems they’ve outgrown Roquetas.

Now, I consider myself a well travelled man. A man who, when confronted by the possibility of dog in Xi’an, blanched not. A man, who when given KFC in Don Mueang International Airport, managed several brave bites. A man who survived two weeks of comida Criollo whilst travelling around Cuba before snapping and, British Passport in hand, imperiously broke down the security barrier at the Melia Santiago de Cuba Hotel to get into the Italian restaurant to eat something other than pork (Restaurante La Fontana is a terrible  restaurant, by the way, but the only international restaurant in Santiago I could find that was open).

However, my only experience of German food was two days in the German part of Switzerland. So, presented with the menu, and surrounded by happy Teutons, I was at a loss. The menu meant nothing. It may have well as been in Martian. Have you ever tried to read a menu when really drunk? It was like that, only I was sober. German is not a language with which I am familiar.

I can now sympathise with those poor Brits who flee the Spanish bars to take refuge in pies at the Jimmy’s Place. It’s a bewildering experience to be in (fairly) familiar surroundings and not know what is going on. I was, in fact, in the hands of Ric, who patiently guided me through the menu. I later discovered that he’d found the Spanish translation at the back.

The cook, who I presume is Lola, is an elderly lady who rules with an iron thumb and has several people scurrying around for her. I wouldn’t venture a guess at who is who – suffice it to say that they are a friendly bunch.

There was a menu del dia for 10,50. Three courses. A Sauerkrautsauppen to start with, a selection of main courses and some puddings. One of our party selected that, and had for main course three potato & apple cakes with toppings – one something, the other two herring and beetroot. Interesting. Here’s a pic.

I & Ric had a salad to start. It came with a nice sauce, similar to coleslaw.

We both had escalopes for mains. A meat – chicken I think- cooked in breadcrumbs and with toppings, as if they were crêpes. You get them in Spain, although usually they are drier than the ones served today, which were nicely done. Mine was pepper and onions. Rics was pepper sauce. On the side we had a sort of potato bake. Delicious.

8,50€ to 9,50€ for the escalopes. They’re enourmous and tasty. A bottle of wine for 9€, a white from Rueda which slipped down nicely, considering as to how it was a white from Rueda.

A couple of problems, neither to do with Rincon de Lola: German food is heavy, and generally looks unpresented. It also sounds bloody unappetising. I’m looking at the bill now. Zigeuner Brattiz? Who wants to eat one of those? Well, I do now I know what it is.

Puds were delivered, and the chappie behind the counter cheekily insisted we try a selection of puds “on the house”, which we did. Very nice.

The place was busy for a Wednesday lunchtime. It’s small, about five big tables, all were filled several times, mainly with happy Germans. A table of British ladies came in later on, fresh from their workout in the gym.

Total bill (for three) with beer, wine and puds was 47,70€ and I didn’t have to eat again that night.

It’s not a place for a fancy night out. But for a fun lunch, albeit a big one, that’s cheap, well cooked and damn tasty, it gets my vote. Or for a tapa and a beer. And you can pop into the gym opposite to burn off the fat between courses, should the need take you.

El Rincón de Lola,
German Restaurant.
677 697 233
Mojácar Playa.  Paseo del Mediterráneo 261.
Google Maps.

Having been introduced to this place by Ric Polansky, who has an exhibition of bullfighting photos on the wall, I though it could be fun to pop there one evening with the parents and the gf. Quite the happy family.

Casa Santiago has a large outside terrace, taking up most of the public pavement, where in fine Spanish style you can occupy the public road, lounging around with a g&t watching with interest as mothers with prams and the elderly have to step out into the road, braving the traffic, to get around your table. It being evening, we did not avail ourselves of this offer and sat inside in the tasteful wooden dining room.

The place is divided into two, a pleasant and cosy bar and the main room. Lots of pine, a nice light decoration that makes you feel at home.  Tapas are available in the main bar for those who wish to wash their beer down with something.

No menus are used. Instead, you are told what the kitchen has on today, in a time honoured fashion. The menu is small but traditional and well cooked.

We had a selection of starters. We steered away from the “fashionable” salads, and stuck with a simple ensalada mixta. Home cured anchovies and oven cooked octopus were two other starters. All were delicious, the anchovies prepared delicately in olive oil to offset the salt.

Mains were a solomillo de buey, entrecot de ternera, rape (a la plancha) and rape (in almond sauce).

The meats were delicious. Oven cooked, they were tasty, tender and melt in the mouth delicious.

The fish tasted frozen and was a disappointment, especially compared to the meats and starters.

A couple of bottles of Rioja, a Abadia Rotuerta washed it all down. Some cheese and coffee to finish.

The bill? A hefty €166,60 for the four of us. The anchovies were almost €2 – each. Steaks were a decent price (€13,50 and €14,50) but €23 for the wine was a bit steep. Since you don’t get a menu, the price comes as a shock.

Good fun, but a bit expensive. Stay away from the fish.

Restaurante Bar Casa Santiago
Garrucha, C/ Mayor 36.
Coming into Garrucha from Las Bouganvillas, on right just past Banco Andalucia (car park in front).
See it on Google maps

Congratulations to Alejandro Sánchez, who has just been awarded a Michelin star for his restaurant in Roquetas del Mar.

Restaurante Alejando is now the second place in Almería to have a Michelin star, after La Costa restaurant in El Ejido.

I was recently in Huercal Overa, transacting some business. Being hungry and being close, I popped into Claire’s Bakery, on the street down from the top motorway exit to the main throughfare (same road as the Pepper Tree and Choice Entertainment, if that helps).

I was enticed in by the sign on the door promising “fresh home cooking” and felt sure that there would be something tasty for a snack in the car, given the time (lunchtime).

Sadly, this was not the case. Despite having a few customers in, drinking tea and chatting, there was nothing -zilch- in the takeaway cabinet that didn’t need to be cooked at length. It reminded me somewhat of the café in Last of the Summer Wine – more of a social club than a business. A couple were in from Arboleas, “out for the day in the big city” said the husband with not a trace of amusement in his face. I didn’t care to ask further, this sort of story in Huercal Overa usually ends up with a long explanation of how they’ve spent the morning in the hospital having tubes inserted.

Owners were friendly, yet didn’t seem overly keen on selling me anything. Eventually, after talking about the weather, the economy and the fiesta, the possibility of food was mooted. We went through the menu, slowly discarding options as it became apparant they were only for eat in / would take far too long to cook.

“I could do you a sandwich” I was eventually told, about three minutes after I should have been offered the option, and in a manner that suggested the boat was being pushed out for me. “What sort?” I enquired with care.

“Tuna Mayo?” I was asked. “What else have you got?” I replied. “Just tuna mayo” was the firm response. So it was tuna mayo. No brown bread, either. At that point I was so hungry I didn’t much care.

A suspicious aluminum foil wrapped package was handed over -several minutes later- and I was relieved of €3,50, which I felt excessive.

The bread was white, Bimbo, somewhat stale. Two slices, sliced diagonally. The tuna mayo was more mayo than tuna. The second half of the sandwich ended up for the birds.

No, I have no idea what the food in there is like, but frankly the owners aren’t taking it seriously. You can’t have a takeaway pasty shack with nothing in it but stale bread. You are either running a café or you are running a social club. Make your mind up.

And €3,50 for that piece of stale bread with mayonnaise on you gave me is, to be frank, extortionate. I had a tostada -delicious fresh warm bread – with real jamon serrano, coffee, fresh OJ and a bun for €4 this morning in Granada, for heaven’s sake. No wonder the Levante is empty.